


Plan S

by Pixelfun20



Series: Captainball! [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Banter, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Pietro Maximoff Lives, Steve Rogers Can Wield Mjolnir, Steve gets roped in on it, Team as Family, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Thor is a troll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-20 01:03:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20219224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pixelfun20/pseuds/Pixelfun20
Summary: Thor has a plan to beat Ultron. Steve hates it. Steve ends up going through with it anyways.Alternatively: During the fight with Ultron, Steve and Thor ‘accidentally’ switch weapons. Chaos ensues and Pietro lives





	Plan S

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at around 2 in the morning last year while half-asleep and hyped up on sugar, which is probably why I still find it so funny.

Steve sighed as he stepped outside of the lab that housed the other Avengers, feeling a headache starting to come on. He sighed, leaning against a wall and rubbing the bridge of his nose. Ultron? Really? Just when he thought he had enough to deal with…. He was going to have to call Sam and ask him to look into that lead of Bucky being in Tokyo on his own.

Footsteps came in, and the young leader looked up to see Thor entering the hallway, looking like he was both completely exhausted and energized at the same time. How was it possible that the thousand year old god acted younger than him? Steve was twenty-seven, though half the time he felt his true ninety-three years. Sometimes even older than that.

“Anthony is tracking down Ultron as we speak,” Thor announced at a reasonable level, nowhere near his usual bellow. “We’ll be heading out shortly, I suppose.”

“Wonderful,” Steve muttered. They fell into a brief silence before the god of thunder spoke up again.

“So.” His voice now held a measure of mirth in it. Steve looked up. “You put on a convincing act back there. When do you plan to tell them that you can actually wield Mjolnir?”

Steve couldn’t help the small blush that tinged his cheeks. “When I can hold it without accidentally destroying a small mountain range? Besides,  _ I’m _ still trying to adjust to the fact that I could technically challenge you for the throne of Asgard. Who knows how the others would react.”

“Nonsense! That one time in the Alps doesn’t count. You were startled!”

“By a deer. A  _ deer _ , Thor.”

“You were under stress and trying to funnel my powers through Mjolnir for only the second time. You were simply a bit overwhelmed. Completely normal.”

“I blew up a small mountain.”

“It was only a small hill.”

“Mountain.”

“Hill. The mountains in Asgard can reach up to ten miles high!”

“I give up.”

“That would be in your best interest.” Thor’s eyes twinkled, and despite of it all, Steve let out a short bark of laughter. “You forget that I am a prince, Steven. I have been trained in politics and debate.”

Steve gave him a hard look. Thor’s expression become more sheepish.

“We are going to go through with the plan, though, right?” He was quick to change the subject.

“Which one?”

“The Plan of Shock Factors!”

Steve balked. “Didn’t we  _ literally _ just go through why that plan isn’t a good idea?”

“Come now, it would be of great enjoyment for the two of us!”

“We couldn’t do it anyways. You and I’d probably kill everyone.”

“But what if we  _ could _ ? I would love to see the expressions on our comrades’ faces!”

“Thor, no.”

“Thor,  _ yes _ !”

The two of them entered into a small staring contest just as Clint entered the hallway. The archer coughed awkwardly, noting Thor’s grin and Steve’s disapproving frown.

“Um,” He looked between the two of them. “We’re heading out, so can you save whatever spat you’re having for  _ after _ we kill the evil mutant robot?”

“It will depend on what the Captain has to say,” Thor announced, still smiling. Steve sighed. Of  _ course _ he had to cave in now, or Thor would tell the rest of the team about the plan. And that would be a bad idea. He still didn’t believe Thor had paid any attention in any political classes he may or may not have taken, but then there were times like this. He decided that it was more likely that he picked up a bit of manipulation and trickery from Loki.

“We’ll  _ see _ ,” he huffed, walking past Thor and a very confused Clint. 

No matter what he said, Steve Rogers was most definitely not going through Plan S - Shock Factor.

* * *

“What do you think about going through with Plan S?”

Steve ducked the attack of an incoming Ultron Bot and smashed its head in his shield as he spoke, doing everything possible to not look at the person next to him and admit defeat. Thor gave him a triumphant look, as if to say ‘ _ I told you so’  _ as he destroyed around half a dozen bots. Steve scowled and tore down three bots of his own, ducking as Mjolnir whizzed over his head and took out five more with a burst of lightning.

“Most of the Sokovian citizens in this location seem to have been evacuated,” Thor seemed to be holding down laughter. “Just focus your energy, my friend!”

“And don’t lose my shield!” Steve snapped back, though his lips were starting to curve upwards as well.

_ We are all going to die _ .

So Plan S was set into motion. Mjolnir flew back into Thor’s hand, and he immediately threw it again, taking out several bots in the process. Steve tossed his shield into the air, turned off his magnetized gauntlets so he couldn’t accidentally call it back, and raised a hand, concentrating with all his might. In the middle of taking out an Ultron Bot, Mjolnir twitched, then whizzed into Steve’s hand. At the same moment, Thor jumped forwards with a laugh, grabbing the shield and bashing a bot’s chest in with it as if it were some kind of club.

The power was overwhelming. Lightning crackled through his veins, and before he knew it, a small explosion sounded, blowing up everyone and everything in a ten-foot radius except him and Thor, who just laughed at how Steve’s hair was scorched and on end. He tossed the shield blindly, racing after a stray Ultron Bot, quickly running out of sight.

“This was  _ such _ a bad idea,” Steve muttered, flipping Mjolnir in his hand and trying to let the hammer guide him in his movements, just as Thor had tried to teach him.

“ _ Uh, what was that? _ ” Clint’s voice echoed over the comms. “ _ Thor, did you just blow something up _ ?”

Steve groaned audibly as Mjolnir thrust forwards, taking the supersoldier with it and zapping ten more bots with a much stronger blast than it usually garnered. Thor’s laugh echoed through the communicator. He was enjoying this way too much, Steve decided.

“ _ Nay, Hawkeye! _ ”

“ _ Was that Cap’s shield? Rolling around on the ground? _ ” Natasha asked, pausing to grunt as she no doubt dispatched of another enemy. “ _ Thor, why are you chasing Cap’s shield like a duck? Where’s Cap? _ ”

“Well, there is an explanation for this—” Steve clipped the last word short as he ducked under an Ultron Bot and attempted to zap it with a lightning bolt, accidentally destroying an apartment building. “Aw,  _ shit _ .”

“ _ Woah! _ ” Tony commented. “ _ Was that you, Cap? _ ”

“Plan S,” Steve grunted, swinging Mjolnir at another robot. He’d taken care of almost all the bots in the area now, only having to deal with five more crawling around the rubble of the city. “See, I may not have been completely honest at the party from a couple days ago.”

“ _ Cap, not honest?! The world’s coming to an end, folks! _ ”

“ _ I feel like I’m missing something… _ ” Wanda cut in. “ _ Are you guys always like this when saving the world? _ ”

“Shut it, Tony. And Wanda, not—” He grunted, and a spray of lightning burst out of Mjolnir and blew up a couple cars and the last of the Ultron Robots near him. “Not usually.”

“ _ You’re a dirty liar _ ,” Tony huffed. “ _ Bantering keeps us loose, kid. Helps us focus. _ ”

“ _ Ey, guess who’s wielding Mjolnir! _ ” Clint cheered. “ _ You owe me fifty bucks, Rhodes! I told you Cap was faking it! _ ” There was a grunt. “ _ And now to get this last kid, then my sector will be clear… _ ”

“ _ Come on, Cap _ ,” Rhodey complained. “ _ Can you just have one impure thought? _ ?

“ _ We have a problem, sirs _ ,” Vision warned. “ _ Ultron’s main body seems to have hijacked the Quinjet. _ ”

“ _ I see it! _ ” Clint called. “ _ It’s getting awfully close to me and the kid, guys! _ ”

“ _ I got it! _ ” Thor cheered. Steve looked up, just seeing the Quinjet around a hundred meters away and spraying bullets everywhere. Then a small speck rushed towards it, hit the plane, and there was a small groaning sound before the Quinjet fell back to Sokovia, exploding into a fiery inferno.

“ _ How did you  _ do _ that? _ ” Pietro asked, seeming to be half in disbelief and shock. Then there was an undignified yelp and a distant clanging sound. “ _ Okay, does this shield have something against me? It almost decapitated me! _ ”

“ _ Cap’s shield doesn’t really obey the laws of physics, _ ” Clint grunted. “ _ I’m not surprised if it’s sentient as well. My sector’s clear and we’re ready for evacuation. _ ”

“ _ Make sure you grab the shield,”  _ Natasha advised. “ _ That’s the best route to getting on the good side of the Avengers team. Just ask Falcon. Or Coulson.” _

“ _ Today has been a mighty victory, my friends! _ ” Thor cheered. “ _ Captain, since you have Mjolnir, would you mind destroying the reactor core _ ?”

“You sure about that?” Steve asked, though he was already running to the church in the center of the city. “Didn’t we just talk about how I accidentally blew up a mountain in the Alps last time I tried to channel all your power?”

“ _ It was a hill, my friend! I thought we had already gone over this! And isn’t the purpose of this plan to blow up a hill? _ ”

“ _ How long has it  _ been  _ since you first lifted the hammer?! _ ” Tony exclaimed, followed by a distant crash. “ _ And how soon until you’re at the church? _ ”

“Momentarily,” Steve hummed and tilted his head as he jumped over a crushed car, trying to remember. “Was it the mission in Cambodia?”

“ _ No, my friend, _ ” Thor put in. “ _ Hawkeye was there! I believe it was Finland. Just the two of us. It got cold, I believe, and since Mjolnir is made from a star it is constantly warm! So Steve touched the handle to warm up his hands, we got caught off-guard and attacked, and he blew up everything in a mile-long radius! _ ”

“ _ Jesus! _ ” Tony muttered. “ _ That was only, like eight months after the team was formed? _ ”

“ _ So that’s why Evijärvi lake suddenly got so much bigger, _ ” Natasha mused.

“ _ Why in the world did you think it was a good idea for us to try and pick it up at the party, then? _ ” Clint asked.

“ _ None of you were going to be able to lift it! _ ” Thor protested. “ _ And the Captain was going to fake it! _ ”

“ _ Rude. _ ”

“ _ Vision, Hulk and I have destroyed Ultron’s main form, and are taking care of the last drones as we speak _ ,” Wanda reported.

“ _ Good job, _ ” Natasha congratulated her. “ _ More congratulations will be due once we’re done. My sector is clear and I’m on an escape ship. Steve? _ ”

“I’m here,” the young leader huffed, out of breath as he entered the small church. “I really don’t know how you expect me to go through with or survive this, Thor.”

“ _ Welp, I’ve just destroyed the inner core _ ,” Tony announced just as the city started to plummet. Steve’s stomach leapt up to his throat “ _ So you better figure this out! _ ”

“ _ You can fly with Mjolnir’s help, remember? _ ” The god of thunder still seemed to chipper for Steve’s current mood. “ _ Now someone scare the good Captain! _ ”

“Wha—”

Before he could even process the command, a guy in an old Red Skull mask appeared in front of him and punched him in the face.

Steve screamed.

The church blew up.

Sokovia began to vaporize.

Just as Thor had predicted, Mjolnir didn’t move when the city fell further down into the lake, lifting up Steve by a hand as the city disintegrated.

It took Steve a moment to notice that, as they floated in midair, there was a second body attached to his. He looked down to see Pietro hanging onto his left ankle, in an old plastic Red Skull mask that covered only his face and was attached by a string and holding his shield in one hand. The young Sokovian let out a nervous laugh and pulled up the mask.

“Let’s never do this again,” Pietro announced. “Sorry for punching you in the face. It was the first thing I could think of.”

“Where did you even  _ get  _ that?” Steve asked, massaging his jaw with his free hand. The kid could his hard. Pietro shrugged.

“It was lying in the street. I have no idea why.”

“ _ What did you do? _ ” Wanda asked. 

“ _ Captain just screamed like a little girl, _ ” Thor chortled like a seven year old.

“I did not,” Steve defended himself. 

“ _ You did, _ ” Rhodey confirmed. “ _ Sounded amazing, though. _ ”

“I found a Red Skull mask and punched him in the face,” Pietro explained to his sister. There was a moment’s silence, then Clint and Thor began laughing at the same time, sounding as if they were both about to die.

“Well, this has been  _ fun _ ,” Steve sighed. “But can someone get a plane over here? I don’t have a good track record with piloting things.”

“_Agent_ _Hill’s on her way_,” Natasha reported.

“ _ Wanda, Pietro, have either of you had Shawarma before?” _ Tony asked out of the blue. Steve turned and saw the red speck of his Iron Man suit shooting out of the lake.

“No…?” Pietro answered, confused.

“ _ Good. We’re getting Shawarma, then _ .”

All of the original Avengers groaned.

“ _ What?! _ ”


End file.
